Are you in a balanced relationship?

Are you in a balanced relationship?  Attraction between two people can be seen through the lens of the elements (air, fire, water and earth) although the shadow can emerge following the get together (which emerges around our limitations).  For instance, you might be a balanced fire type, in that you are confident and direct but perhaps get attracted to a balanced earth type. Your impulsive and potentially destructive qualities are seeking a bond with a big hearted and noble type.  The bonding in a healthy relationship is when you develop the qualities of your partner (the blending of the chemical reactions).  It is these qualities that you are attracted to in the first place.

The ideas and qualities for an ideal relationship:

Air: Listening, explaining, facilitating decisions. The basis of anger is fear.  if anger is met with anger then primitive fears kick in and conflict takes place.  Therefore, it is advisable to give space and slow down.

Fire: Keeping you from getting too serious.  Keeping spirits up, helping with career/goal, maintaining ideals, supporting ideals.

Water: Co-creating family life. Source of love and hugs.  Tune into your emotions.  Appreciating talents. Realise your patience.

Earth: Provides security, sense of belonging, always being there, keeping aligned with purpose.

It is important to remember that all elements exist within us all, but some can be unconscious.  It is from the experiences of entering into relationships that we come to be aware of the unconscious elements within us.  We may project things onto our partners or get irritated by these reactions.

Different stages of love: in terms of experience.  As we mature something within our psychology allows for a greater understanding of love. Love begins in a physical way but can end up in a very sublime (spiritual) love. Carl Jung referred to the anima and animus.   Jung recognised in his clients that all men had an inner female (anima) figure in their dreams and this seemed an important aspect of their psyche and how he related to the feminine.  Jung postulated that the feminine figure in a male represents his soul, not the ultimate representation but a state of a man’s soul.  For women he found that there was a male figure that wished to get expressed in every day life (anima).

Was this a dated idea given the conjugal roles that existed in the 1920s? Perhaps. But Jung came up with some intriguing insights.  Anima and animus are to do with love.  Anima and animus can evolve through four stages, regardless of one’s gender or gender orientation.

Exemplars can come out in dreams as archetypes.  That tells us where we are with our feelings.

1. Passion: You might attract that part of you that you are not in touch with. We project onto other people that particular stage of love.  Tarzan and Jane could be exemplars. This is fiery. If you are out of touch with that part within you the more it regresses. Someone that is very intellectual could fall for a very physical person.  The famous German film Blue Angel demonstrates this when a professor falls for a nightclub hostess.

2. Romantic: This is when emotions start to get involved.  We project romantic feelings onto people.  Cleopatra was a classical exemplar, as was Helen of Troy.  Harrison Ford would be a male version. Love becomes affectionate.

3. Admiration: Standing up for the weak. The ideal transcends their personality and its this that endures.  Exemplars would be MLK, Nelson Mandela and Ghandi. We project outside onto another, we don’t realise it’s within ourselves.

4. Angelic: To glorify and worship someone. The Goddess within. The Goddess of wisdom.  Two become one.  There is no going back.  Christ, Buddha, Mohamed etc. The culmination of the spiritual path.

What happens when we fall in love?  More soon ………..

About Noel Bell

Psychotherapist in London. Check out my blog posts and more at
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